As a way to celebrate Gay Pride Week, below is a list of the top non-gay gay things ever. What do I mean when I say “non-gay gay?” Well, non-gay gay means there really isn’t any homosexuality inherent in the things mentioned below. No man-on-man or woman-on-woman action. No anal sex, dental dams, chaps, condoms, brokeback, bareback, packing, unpacking, fudgepacking involved. “Gay” here means what it does. Gay.
10. Dancing at Weddings. What could be straighter than a wedding to bring out the gayness in everything. Doesn’t matter who is dancing or what is playing. It all comes down to the chicken dance and Louie Louie to make this one of the all time gayest things in the history of the world.
9. The Fonz. Although at the time when this show was new he was the coolest thing out there, but time has not been well to Henry Winkler’s leather-clad character. The thumbs up and the “hey” sound makes this guy even gayer than Roy Rogers.
8. Aprons. Housewives from the 50’s used to wear these things. And now George Foreman does while hawking his grill. I am sure there is an old t-shirt everyone has that they don’t mind getting stained. Wear that please. An apron, especially one with a clever saying, is even gayer than the Topsider movement of the 1980’s.
7. Any black and white movie starring Katherine Hepburn or other fast talking hysterical women. Movies don’t come gayer than My Girl Friday, Or The Phildelphia Story when fast talking characters sound like British people on speed. Repeating lines like “Secretry is on the line Mr. Gibson” “I’m taking the 5:30 express to Philadephia.” There really isn’t anything homosexual about these movies, except a few that star Montgomery Clift.
6. Bowling. Anyone old enough to remember watching ABC’s Wide World of Sports’ coverage of the Pro Bowlers Tour will understand the complete gayness of 1970’s mustached men in slacks skipping down a lane. Although hipsters may try to make bowling trendy these days, the shoes themselves make this the gayest sport ever. Even topping rhythmic gymnastics.
5. Casey Kasem. Anyone who reads letters out loud with more pauses than William Schatner is pretty gay. The Top 40 itself was exciting, but the sappy interludes between Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Heart songs made for a very gay radio program.
4. American Idol. We surely will look back at this and laugh that over half America watched tuned in on a weekly basis. Right? The music itself and the Ryan Seacrest crap…This stuff is worst than Miami Vice (which almost made this list). It started looking tired and old after Kelly Clarkson (who almost made this list).
3. Painter Hats worn with Parachute Pants. Really any fashion from the 1980’s was the gayest thing ever. Even gayer than ascots and smoking jackets. Gayer than codpieces or armor.
2. The word Bro. You would think Judd Apatow’s efforts to create a more sensitive, feminine straight guy wouldn’t have taken a hard right turn down Leave it to Beaver Lane. But guess what? It did. Stopping calling me bro. These movies and especially the Bromance and hugging it out crap is gay. Ironic that the closer men come to their feminine side, the non-gay gayer they become.
1. Fanny-packing Germans who wear socks with sandals. For a people who brought you World War I, World War II, Hitler, and a slew of tough, image-molding sports cars, you would expect a little less gayness from them. Wrong. German style: there is no substitute.